Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
