I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
