shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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