You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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