also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
