I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
