My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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