I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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