I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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