WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
