i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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