she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
