At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
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