I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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