it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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