I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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