I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
