I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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