Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
