dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
