At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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