Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
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