you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
