There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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