I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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