It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
