The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
