The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
