why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
