put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
