just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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