I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
