whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
high people should be assigned attendants
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
