college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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