Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
