The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
