I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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