We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
