My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
