I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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