There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
