Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
