she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Terrible idea I love it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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