Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
