i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
