Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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