Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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