aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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