I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
