He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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