I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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